Good Parenting

Dr (Mrs) Sudeep Bhangoo

Parenting is never a “bed of roses”. It requires plenty of patience, unconditional love and affection, personal and social skills to bring up your “ideal child”. One also needs to be at peace with oneself to be a good parent.

Some of the important points to remember in good parenting are:

Give plenty of love and affection. A child who is loved develops a sense of belonging and a sense of security; both are important factors in self-esteem. Too much love never spoils a child. However being showered with material gifts could easily have the opposite effect. No amount of gifts can ever replace the love of a parent. Each child must feel that he or she is loved unconditionally by the parents. Physical appearance, mental abilities or inherent talents should never be the factors for appraising affection.

Give appropriate attention. Children need attention. Spending quality time with your child will not only help you to understand him, but also develop a long lasting and strong parent-child bond. Watching television together cannot be considered spending quality time. Playing games, going for walks, talking, sharing experiences and telling stories are invaluable activities. Spending quality time with your child means giving her your total undivided attention, without any distractions. For example, when children return from school, they are always full of information they want to share with you. That is the time to pause everything you are doing, sit down and listen to them.

Encourage curiosity. Children need to explore their world, to know how things work, how people behave etc. Imposing too many restrictions and creating unnecessary boundaries creates a feeling of guilt and doubt. It discourages curiosity which is essential for learning. Touching, feeling, listening, talking, asking are routes the child takes for understanding the world.

Explain the expected behaviour. Children must have a clear understanding of what the parent’s expectations are. The pros and cons of the decisions must be discussed in advance. They must know what they can do and what they cannot, along with an explanation of the consequences. For example, “you can paint in the corner assigned for painting. Please don’t paint on walls or clothes as it will spoil them!” Setting limits of behavior also lets the child know the process of work and play. “You can play in the ground for one hour with your friends but your homework must be finished before that.”

Organize. Each day must be organized so that the child knows which activity comes after what. Personal grooming, meals, rest, homework, play, sleep all must have a regular and assigned pattern. Prepare the child for any departure from the norm and changes in the routine. “I will not be able to take you for your games this evening as we will be receiving unexpected guests”, or “when we go to the market, you may choose a book of your choice, but we will not have any ice cream today.”

Not only should the day be organized but the room and things should be organized as well. ‘A place for everything and everything in its place’, should be the adage followed from early childhood. This leads to a neat place where things can be found easily, without chaos and stress.

Praise or acknowledge good behaviour. It is amazing how quickly we react with negativity when the child does something unacceptable. We usually ignore her good behaviour because we consider it as a normal expectation. Praise for good behaviour ensures that it becomes a consistent and repetitive behaviour. Occasionally it is good to ignore bad behaviour and emphasize only on good behaviour. It is also important to remember to focus only on the behaviour and not on the individual. A good example would be, “I really like it when you help your younger sister” instead of “You are a bad boy because you are not helping your sister”. Reward appropriate behaviour as soon as you see it. Ignore bad behaviour and discuss it later. If the child gets noticed only when doing inappropriate things, she is likely to repeat that behaviour as it gets attention from the parent.

Have fair and consistent rules in the house. These rules should be followed by everyone. When my children were growing up, the rule in our house was “No television watching while eating. You can only eat at the dining table.” This helped us to bond as a family. We discussed our daily activities, problems, issues, values etc. at the dining table. Other rules can be based on telling the truth, helping each other, respecting the elders, no hitting under any circumstances etc. Such rules not only emphasize the expected behaviour but also develop pride in the child that he belongs to a family that has a clear value system in place.

Teach your child adequate personal, social and emotional skills for adjustment in the society. Parents need to make an effort to teach their children socially acceptable behaviour. Handling their emotions, conflict management, cooperation, organization of the day, time management, money management, etiquette, eating proper food are valuable skills. These must be learned for optimum adjustment in the society and for personal happiness. These habits also help in adjustment, and success later in life.

Focus on decision making and problem solving. From early childhood children must be helped to make decisions. Choices must be offered, so that children learn how to weigh the pros and cons involved in each decision. Similarly while solving problems they must be able to look at the alternative solutions and pick the best. At this point children can also be helped to learn the difference between need and want. They may ‘want’ expensive sports shoes but in reality they ‘need’ just good functional sports shoes. Making one’s own decisions not only helps the child to understand what is right and wrong, but also help him or her to accept the consequences of the decisions they make.

The children of parents who always impose their wish on the children all the time, do not become assertive. They never learn to say ‘No’ to others even when they grow up. These are the children who become susceptible to bad decisions and fall prey to peer pressure in using drugs, alcohol, sex, smoking etc.

Provide optimum nutrition, hygiene, and exercise for growth and development. The role of good nutrition, especially for growing children cannot be over emphasized. For proper growth and development, a mixed diet of milk, meat and eggs, pulses, cereals, vegetables and fruit, and water must be provided to the child. I am constrained to say here that aerated drinks, chips, pizzas, burgers etc are definitely not healthy foods. The emphasis should be on fresh food and not on snacks and fast food which may have no nutritional value. Processed foods, and packs in which artificial colours and preservatives have been used should be avoided.

Personal hygiene habits of bathing, brushing teeth, washing hands before eating etc are important. Some sort of exercise like running, jogging, skipping, playing football etc must be incorporated into each child’s daily routine.

Do not compare. It is very important for parents to understand that all children are different, and that comparisons are unfair. Many children who come to me for counselling feel that instead of being appreciated for their work and qualities they are constantly compared to others. No child is or has to be like anybody else. Each child is unique and must be accepted, appreciated and celebrated as such. Pride in being a unique individual and an appreciation of one’s distinct qualities are the factors that make people build high self- esteem.

Children who are successful in life are the ones who have high self-esteem and those who feel inferior and inadequate are left behind.

Dr Mrs Sudeep Bhangoo is a Child and Family Counsellor based in Mohali.

Email: sbhangoo4@gmail.com

Mobile: +91 8699009112/9814296461